"I love you to pieces, I love you to death".
Those are the words that have turned my life into a roller-coaster of regret. Regret for those that i love, those that i loved, those that i care about, for myself, but mostly for her.
"I love you to pieces, I love you to death".
I met her within the first week she started at Kroger. It was another blistering hot day in the middle of spring when i walked outside to introduce myself to yet another new Deli Clerk. Fresh meat for the rampaging sharks that infest the work place. If only i knew then what i know now, i could have warned her, i could have prevented the whole ugly scene replaying like unwanted reruns in my head. She had a charm about her that drew people to her like metal to magnets, and i was one of those people. We were quickly engrossed in conversation amidst that sweltering heat, smoke rings from our cigarettes drifting to stain a white ceiling yellow, stuck outside for a dreaded fifteen minuet break clothed in what seemed like the worst possible combination for a uniform. The thick red fabric did nothing to deflect the suns rays for what seemed like an eternity. The giggling and the laughing only carried on as the days turned our semi-acquaintance into a budding friendship fueled by insecure curiosity and the pleasures of anthers flesh. That was our first night together outside of Kroger, sitting in a limo ten O'clock on a dark night, the starry ceiling lights resembling a precise universe above the crystal decanters of liquor and shot nerves. Between the two of us sat her friend, a hot mess of hunk that had me sweating in an 70 degree atmosphere. She liked to watch two guys go at it, indulging on her voyeuristic tendencies. she sat there on the furthest seat, eyes intently watching as she whispered things she wanted to see, and we indulged her wildest fantasy's. The meshing of two bodies hot with the coursing flow of hormones and blood through their veins drove her to an ecstasy unseen in my life. Then the phone rang, ruining the mood for both of us and her. We laughed, myself still caught up in the moment, in a state of shock at what i had done for someone still near enough a stranger and with a complete stranger. That was not like me.
"I love you to pieces, I love you to Death".
All right. There are some spelling and grammtical things you need to fix, but this is a rough and I'll not harp on those.
ReplyDeleteAs for content, the story has potential, but it was hard for me to see where it's going. The opening sentences 'I love you to pieces, I love you to Death.' inferred something else to me that was going to happen in the story. When the character talks about the incident that happened, it seemed like it was something much different than two guys making out for a girl. That is weird, but the feeling I got was more of an embarrassing moment or a relationship in a work place that had drama, or something like that. I don't get the issue that makes the first and last sentences so important to the story. I'd say you might want to change the storyline or just take out those two lines and the first intro sentence and go from there. That might clear up any confusion. At least for me.
It needs to be longer too. I'd really like to see you develop this relationship more. I know it's only a short time they've known each other, but ppl can get to know each other pretty well in short times and I'd like to know what kind of power she had over him, her influence on him to make him want to do something outside his character. Maybe even delve into him and see if there was a curiosity there and she just brought it out.
There is so much potential in this to really make it wow. I'd like a lot more detail and character development. But those are my opinions.
cool thanks.
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